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Motivational Article

"Let's Talk About S.e.x, Baby...

By Nisandeh Neta

... let's talk about you and me."
Remember that song in the early '90's?
If only it was so easy!

The fact is that we don't talk about s.e.x.
The topic usually generates jokes and giggles, but is still considered "taboo" among polite society.
Between partners, though, talking about it can make the difference between a good physical relationship and a fantastic one.

We are all born sexually curious.

As infants, we all liked to play with our genitals, for the simple reason – it felt good. But then Mom or Dad started to say, "Stop doing that" or "Go to your room, not in front of the neighbors."

In the bathtub, our parents washed all of our body parts, but as we got older, we were told to clean ourselves "down there".

The message we learned was: "It's not okay to have fun with my genitals." We learned to feel shame, embarrassment, guilt and even fear about our bodies.

Even with your intimate partner, do you really allow yourself to be open and communicate about your physical needs? Most couples do not talk about what they want and don't want, their fears and fantasies.

We often do that in the beginning of a relationship when things are new and exciting. But then, as we find out what works for us, what is pleasurable, and how to create it, we fall into mechanical, routine lovemaking, which can continue with very little variation for many years. 

Now, it may be that at the beginning of the relationship, your lover made you an omelet that tasted really good. So you communicated your pleasure: "Mmmm, oooh, this is sooo good!" Since then, for the last 10 years, a few times a week, you get an omelet – just like you like it. But what if, after a few hundred omelets, you feel like having a pancake? Would you say so? Probably not. We are reluctant to bring up the subject for fear of hurting our partner's feelings, or maybe because our appetites have changed and we don't know anymore what "fills us up."

The problem is that we are all born with the equipment for pleasure, but we never read the built-in instruction manual. We kind of learn how to operate it to create satisfying results through trial and error (and maybe a magazine or two).

However, when we meet our intimate partner, we don't know their equipment. Opposite s.e.x partners' equipment looks, feels, tastes, smells and responds so differently from our own. Same s.e.x partners' equipment maybe look similar to our own, but again usually tastes, smells and responds differently.

You may "read" your partner's instruction manual through trial and error or sheer luck, but have to start from the beginning again with each new partner. No two people - or bodies - are the same and we usually have to guess how to turn them on and keep them running.

Think how much faster and more enjoyable it would be, if we would just dare to communicate and tell each other what gives us pleasure (and where, and when and how).

Let's make the safe assumption that you and your partner feel that simultaneous orgasm is a desirable result of lovemaking. If you have read Alex Comfort's classic, you would know that on average a woman takes 15-20 minutes of genital stimulation to orgasm. An average man takes 2-3 minutes of genital stimulation to orgasm.

(However, you must remember that there is no average man, or average woman – you need to know yours and your partner's manuals!)

If you haven't read your manuals you would go into the usual action and, on average, after 2-3 minutes the man would reach climax, and the woman would be left unsatisfied. Both will feel unfulfilled, as you were looking for the experience of climaxing together. Then we get into labels: "premature ejaculator" and "frigid".

All this could have been avoided if you had both shared your personal instruction manuals. All you had to do is be creative for 15 minutes or so, before going into action... Simple!

In today's 'taking action' practice we'll guide you through a simple, yet powerful exercise taken from our Art of Lovemaking course for couples.
This exercise will allow you to openly and honestly teach each other about your personal instruction manuals and rediscover that fantastic relationship.