Not long ago, I was invited by my daughter to watch her latest moves with a hula hoop. As she spun around like a dervish, I applauded and told her, “Wow, you've really mastered that!” She beamed and said, “Thanks! I've really practiced a lot.”
She was given a compliment and received it with grace (while knowing it was deserved). How come most grown ups don't do that?
Most of us are taught to be modest and self-deprecating. Instead of being receptive to compliments, we learn to deflect them. What is your usual response to the compliment: “You look great today.”
Something along the lines of:
• Oh yeah, right.
• Well, I actually don't feel all that great, but thanks anyway.
• Are you wearing your contacts?
• You're just being kind.
Or maybe you thought (but didn't say) something like:
• Is s/he being sarcastic?
• Do I have something in my teeth?
• What does s/he want?
Most of us are not really as insecure as we appear to be to others: we're just programmed that it is not “seemly” to acknowledge anything good about ourselves. It's considered boasting or egotism rather than simple confidence and acceptance.
As a result of our conditioned low self-esteem, most of us experience ourselves as too unworthy to receive fully. How much better would we feel if we could just say, “Thanks for noticing what I already know!”
Most of us find it hard to receive anything: compliments, gifts, emotional support, physical help, money…We are programmed to be independent and self-sacrificing. (My mother taught me that polite guests always refuse anything offered by the hosts three times. If they offer a fourth time, you are allowed to accept!) How many things get offered to you four times?
What happens when you're in financial trouble?
You mention it to a friend, and suddenly s/he offers you some money as a loan.
Do you find all the excuses in the world for saying 'no thanks'? Do you think you will be admitting you are somehow “less” if you accept, if you can't make it through on your own? Or maybe you wonder if there is a hidden agenda?
Or maybe, you're contemplating what "price" you'll have to pay in return?
Life is a Candy Store
When you walk into a candy emporium, there are aisles and shelves chock full of every kind of candy you can imagine. So many colors and flavors and a bonus…lots of free samples. All you have to do is decide which ones you want (or you can turn around and leave the store without having spent a cent or tasting a single sweet.)
Life is like that: it is full of abundance. Our challenge is two-fold: to know what we want and choose accordingly, and to gratefully accept the bounty of gifts that are presented to us. (Sometimes they are left unexpectedly on our doorstep wrapped in plain brown paper and we don't recognize them for the treasures they are—these are called opportunities.)
If you offer me a compliment, a gift, a helping hand or a service and I communicate (verbally or nonverbally) "No thanks, I can do it myself" or "That was nothing, anyone could have done it," how many more times will you offer me something again?
Life, in a way, works the same.
It is abundant, but when I refuse to fully receive its gifts, I communicate to my inner and outer worlds that I'm not serious about getting what I want. And guess what... I don't get it!
On the other hand, when I practice receiving consciously, the more opportunities come my way.
An Attitude of Gratitude
At first, receiving joyously feels awkward as the act itself gives rise to all our unconscious negative thoughts: “I don't really deserve it,” "I'm not good enough,” "I'll just wreck it/lose it anyway…”
Breaking the habit of saying “No” requires consciously saying, "YES" even when you feel “not good enough”. It requires fostering “an attitude of gratitude”. Here's how:
• When someone gives you a compliment, say “Thank you” and believe it. (Don't second guess, don't deflect. Just accept it with thanks.)
• When someone gives you a gift or offers his/her support or service, look him or her in the eye, be grateful and accepting.
• Acknowledge yourself fully for creating everything in your life.
• Share your results and successes with the world.
• Celebrate any achievement you accomplish.
• Appreciate every opportunity.
It is easy to fall back on our programmed 'non-receiving' attitudes and behavior. Erase them by practicing today (and tomorrow and the next day), and see how life offers its treasures to you... effortlessly!
