Motivational Article

I didn't use to like people very much.
I preferred to interact with computers instead because they were straightforward and didn't try to mess with my head.
It took me years to realize that I used computers to avoid people because I was afraid of rejection and being hurt.

That was a long time ago.
These days, I love people.
I learned to love through friendship.

When I wrote the first draft of this article to share what I learned, I asked my partner and best friend, Vered, to read it first. She gently suggested that I write parts of it again.

She tried to get me to be the best that I can be which is why she is my best friend...

Friendships are wonderful, but they are not easy or automatic. Even when two people are willing to give and receive love, it is often not unconditional (the kind we all want!).

Conditional love and friendship generally operates under one or more of the following terms:

1.  Contracts: We consciously or unconsciously set up agreements about     behavior in our relationship. For example, we will not question, discuss or     challenge certain issues - we'll push them 'under the carpet'. We make     assumptions which then become expectations which are bound to become     disappointments. These contracts usually become psychological time     bombs ready to go off.

2.  Withholds: We withhold information and emotion from each other which     leaves one of us unsure of the opinions and feelings of the other. When I     withhold, I'm not allowing you to expand your awareness. I eliminate a     chance for you to change and grow. We tend to withhold negative     information ("Your breath smells", "I find you arrogant" or "I feel bad when     you say that..."), usually because we don't want to hurt each other. We     withhold positive information ("I find you attractive" or "I want you to hug     me"), usually because we feel vulnerable and don't want to get hurt. In     either case, withholding creates a distance between us.

3.  Hidden Agendas: A hidden agenda is an intention or a goal that one (or     both) of us doesn't want to communicate to the other. (Maybe I want to     be your friend because you are popular and I want to improve my social     life; you want to be my friend because I have a lot of business contacts.)     It is dishonest and puts us on unequal footing.

4.  Power Games: When we do not fully trust each other, we will try to     increase our sense of security and avoid getting hurt by trying to control     our friendship. This can take different forms, such as comparison ("I put     more into the relationship than you do"), jealousy ("I don't want you to     spend time with anyone else") and competition ("I can do that better than     you").

5.  Negative Behaviors: When we cannot restore the trust and love in our     friendship, it eventually breaks down. Then our friendship is reduced to a     collection of negative behavior patterns such as blaming ("It's all your     fault"), judging ("You're wrong"), avoiding ("I don't want to talk about it")     and patronizing ("Don't worry about it, I'll be just fine").

In each of the failed friendships in my life, I can identify at least one of these dysfunctions.

In order to create the successful, long-lasting relationships I have today, I needed to learn new skills and attitudes that make friendship work. Here are the corrective measures to the first five failing behaviors:

1.  Responsibility: To break the pattern of contracts, each one of us needs     to take responsibility for our own needs, feelings, attitudes and behaviors.     When I am aware of a problem and you aren't, it is always MY     responsibility either to solve the problem, or at the very least to make you     aware of it, so we can become partners in solving it together.

2.  Confrontation: Instead of withholding things from each other, our     friendship shows maturity and strength when we can confront each other     on important issues. Through genuine confrontation (not aggression!) we     can become aware of and deal with matters. Rather than creating     distance, honest discussion brings us closer.

3.  Exploration: We keep our relationship healthy through active exploration     and mutual understanding of each other. For me this means sharing     adventures, taking risks together, learning from the experiences and giving     each other feedback to share the wisdom we both accumulated.     Exploration naturally eliminates hidden agendas-they are mutually     exclusive!

4.  Respect: Regardless of what state or place either of us is in, we both     display consideration, caring and compassion for the other person     ALWAYS. We try to understand each other's needs and willingly tend to     them (without confusing needs with wants - they are not the same). With     respect comes trust and when there is trust, the power games disappear.

5.  "Positivity": The opposite of negativity is "positivity", or continually     looking for positive solutions together. We can confront any difficulty or     crisis easily when we work as a team. We go nowhere when we become     opponents or competitors or when we blame or undermine each other.

These principles create and maintain friendships based on unconditional love, giving your friendship a solid foundation from which you can both be strong and secure together.

Enjoy your friendship...