Motivational Article

I didn't like people so much in my past.
I loved computers instead.
At least computers were honest, readily available and never
intentionally sought to hurt me.
It took me years to realize that I used computers as a
replacement for the people I wanted to avoid.
Overall, I was scared of being hurt, afraid of rejection
and of not being loved in return.

That was a long time ago.
These days, I love people.
I learned to love through friendship.

I would like to take a moment of your time and share
something of what I learned.

My partner and best friend, Vered, has just read my text.
She found it somewhat dogmatic and expressed in a sort of
preaching style.
As a result, she missed my heart amongst the words.

She tried to get me to be the best that I can be...
That's why she is - my best friend...

So, I rewrote some of the text, and if you still find it a
bit dogmatic, I can only blame my enthusiasm and a lack of
space to fully elaborate...

OK, enough with excuses, will you be my friend?

Yep? Great! So we are friends.
At times, we both realize that it is not easy for either of
us to give and receive love.
What to do... that's life!

Even when both of us are willing to give and receive love,
we'll soon discover that mostly it is not unconditional love
(which we all are so longing to experience...)

When our love is based on conditions, we'll probably end up
playing one or more of the following games with each other:

1. Contracts: We might consciously or unconsciously set up
   agreements about behavior in our relationship.
   For example, we will not question, discuss or challenge
   certain issues - we'll push them 'under the carpet'.
   These contacts usually become psychological time bombs
   ready to go off.

2. Withholds: We all tend to withhold certain important
   information from each other.
   As a result of these withholds, one of us is blind to
   the views and opinions of the other.
   When I withhold I'm not allowing you to expand your
   awareness and thus eliminate your chance to change and
   grow.
   We tend to withhold negative information ("your breath
   smells", "I find you arrogant" or "stop treating me
   like..."), usually because we don't want to hurt each
   other.
   We withhold positive information ("I find you attractive"
   or "I want you to hug me"), usually because we don't want
   to get hurt.
   In whatever case, these withholds create a distance
   between us.

3. Hidden Agendas: For as long as we have contracts and
   withholds within our relationship, there will be an
   unspoken 'something' going on beneath the surface.
   Although we might not be able to put a finger on the
   direct issue, we will still sense it.
   This creates distrust between us, which usually leads to
   hidden agendas.
   A hidden agenda is an intention or a goal that one (or
   both) of us doesn't want to communicate to the other.
   When this happens, we are no longer walking together...

4. Power Games: When we do not fully trust each other, we
   will try to increase our sense of security and avoid
   getting hurt by trying to control our friendship.
   This can take different forms, such as comparison ("I put
   more in the relationship than you are"), jealousy ("how
   come you're having so much fun with someone else?") and
   competition ("I'll do that better than you").

5. Negative Behaviors: When we cannot restore the trust and
   love in our friendship, it eventually breaks down.
   Then our friendship is reduced to a collection of negative
   behavior patterns such as blaming ("it's all your fault"),
   judging ("you're so aggressive that..."), avoiding ("I'm
   not willing to discuss this") and patronizing.

In each of the friendships that went sour in my life, I can
usually identify at least one of these symptoms.

In order to create the successful-long-lasting relationships
I have today, I needed to learn new skills and acquire new
qualities.

How to Make Our Friendship Work:

1. Responsibility: First and foremost, each one of us needs
   to take responsibility for our own needs, feelings,
   attitudes and behaviors.
   EVEN when it may appear easier to blame the other person.
   I keep reminding myself, if something exists in my life,
   then I must have created it in some way.
   I also remember, when I am aware of a problem and you
   aren't - it is always MY responsibility, either to solve
   the problem, or at the very least to make you aware of
   the problem, so we can become partners in solving it.

2. Respect, Care and Compassion: Respect means, no matter
   what state or place you are in and what state or place I
   am - I respect myself and I respect you!
   To care is to see what you need and being willing to give
   it (don't confuse what your friend needs with what your
   friend wants - they are not the same).
   Compassion is the ability to see you as you are without
   judgment, whilst asking myself, "why are you acting this
   way?" and "what can I do to support you?"

3. Exploration: We keep our relationship healthy through
   active exploration and mutual understanding of each other.
   For me this means sharing adventures together, taking
   risks together, learning from the experiences and giving
   each other feedback so as to share the wisdom we both
   accumulated.

4. Positivity: Simply put, it is always going for solutions.
   We can confront any difficulty or crisis easily when we
   work as a team at the solution.
   We go nowhere, when we become opponents or competitors or
   when we blame or undermine each other.

5. Confrontation: Our friendship is mature and strong when
   we can confront each other on important issues.
   Through genuine confrontation we can become aware and
   deal with our withholds, contracts and hidden agendas.

If you can relate to these principles, why don't you share
them with a friend?

See if both of you can reach an agreement on most or all of
them.

These principles can give your friendship a solid base,
which will create both safety and uplift.

Enjoy your friendship...

If you're not sure yet, why you should make a difference, let me put it simply:
It stretches you to fulfill your potential
It gives a meaning to your life
It lights your being and actions; and
It encourages others with their dreams so that they can make a difference too.

If more of us would make a small difference, this planet is bound to become a better place.