Motivational Article

They are born helpless and adorable, virtually guaranteed to be adored and pampered, their every need catered to.

It doesn't take long to learn that if those needs are not met immediately, there is an easy way to get action: scream.

Wet, hungry, bored…it doesn't matter. All a baby has to do to get what it wants is bellow. (Doing this in a public place has even faster results!)

This system works for awhile—a year or two—then the “big people” get a bit tired of the crying and temper tantrums. They might stop the instant gratification of “baby's needs”. They might raise their voice and say, “No! Stop it!” in a scary way. Some grown-ups who struggle with parenting skills may even hit the child.

This is when the child learns FEAR.

Some of us respond to this fear—of being rejected, of being hit or left alone—by becoming PLEASERS. We become quiet and don't make any fuss. We smile and do what we're told because we think this is the way to make everything okay.

Others of us respond to our fear by becoming TROUBLEMAKERS. We turn our fear into rebellion or aggression. We become loud and break the rules because we think we have nothing to lose.

Both of these responses are driven by the same emotion: anger. We feel angry because we learn some of the unpleasant realities of life:

•  Love is not unconditional (even from parents).

•  We don't always get what we want.

•  Life is not fair.

Neither Pleasers nor Troublemakers learn to deal with their underlying anger and resentment. Pleasers hide it and keep it bottled up inside where it just accumulates. The pressure builds, either eating away at a person's physical and mental health, or eventually exploding in a violent eruption. (Have you noticed that mass murderers and murder-suicide types are usually described by baffled relatives, friends and neighbors as “a nice, quiet guy”?)

Troublemakers let their anger out, but in unconstructive ways. They use intimidation and aggression to control and manipulate others to behave differently. Underneath the rough and tough exterior, there's a lot of pain and fear of rejection and loneliness.
None of these modes of operation creates a joyful, loving, fulfilling life because both are manifested from an unfulfilled hunger for love.

When we become aware of that, we can drop the Pleaser or Troublemaker personas and respond to others in a more mature way.

When somebody hurts us, instead of swallowing it, pretending to be 'cool', or hurting the other back, we can try another approach.

Get some AIR …

A cknowledge the emotion. Take responsibility for what you feel (whether it's pain, anger or fear). By recognizing and labeling the emotion, it becomes easier to deal with. It's OKAY to be mad, or hurt or afraid. Those are human feelings!

I dentify the source. Look inside and figure out why it is that you feel this way, and what are you afraid of. Does this person or event bring up painful memories? Are there issues from your past that have not been resolved?

R elate how you feel to the other person. Share your feeling(s) without blaming, whining or threatening. Realize that by honestly communicating it, you can let it go.

Once you've “cleared the air”, clarify what you want from the other person and from yourself. If the other person is unable to give you what you want and need, then move on.

Continuing to satisfy someone else's needs while sacrificing your own happiness will only cause further resentment and frustration. Similarly, manipulating and going to battle for what you want is unhealthy for you and everyone around you.

By taking off the Pleaser or Troublemaker hat you've been wearing, you'll benefit from higher self-esteem, increased self-confidence, better health, and more trust in yourself and in others.

That sounds like a breath of fresh air…