Life goes like this:
You were born as a beautiful baby, overwhelmed with love.
If your parents were not abusive, then you were almost continuously pampered with attention.
When you felt hungry, wet or lonely, you opened your mouth
and cried out your pain and frustration.
In most cases, your discomfort was immediately alleviated.
Either a nipple was pushed in your mouth, your diaper changed or you were picked up.
You were in love again.
You grow up and after awhile you discover that the love around you is not unconditional.
Sometimes the 'big ones' are tired, upset or angry.
And often they're not pleased with your behavior.
Sometimes you're not getting what you want.
When it happens, you become angry.
And you scream...
Usually, you will immediately get what you want, and once
again you smile.
You register this scenario in your mind as the following:
FACT NUMBER 1 - 'me angry, get me what I want'
The big people certainly are happy with your smiles and laughter.
Your little brain register that as:
FACT NUMBER 2 - 'me smile, they happy'
And then... one day it happens...
You don't get the chocolate you wanted.
You remember Fact Number 1 and get into your usual routine
of screaming "I WANT, I WANT, I WANT!!!"
And this time, instead of chocolate, you get this:
"STOP CRYING!!!"
OOPS... Something is terribly wrong!
It worked well until now, what has changed?
Sometimes the reaction would be something like:
"STOP CRYING, OR I'LL GIVE YOU A REASON TO CRY!"
You look at the big person in front of you and you realize,
"this is serious!"
Fear comes into your life - big time!
You are so small, they are so big.
You know nothing, they know everything.
Your very survival is dependent on them.
Now you're looking for a way to survive.
If Fact Number 2 was registered enough times you realize
that all you have to do is to be nice, do what they want, and everything will be OK.
So you do and you develop the 'Nice Guy' or the 'Pleaser' act.
If Fact Number 2 wasn't registered so strong, you try to
fight back with the 'Trouble Maker' or the 'Rebel' act.
As a child you choose your act and follow it daily, until it
becomes part of you.
As a teenager it all goes to extreme.
And when you reach adolescence you already fixated on one of
these primary feelings: Pain, Anger or Fear.
Either you mainly operate out of pain (or the fear of pain);
Or you usually operate out of anger and rage;
Or you mostly operate out of fear.
None of these modes of operation creates a joyful, loving,
fulfilling life.
When your main mode of operation is out of pain or fear, you
become the 'Nice Guy' or the 'Pleaser'.
However, this is just an act.
Underneath the pleasant mask there is a lot of anger and frustration, as everyone is stepping over you, using you or
even abusing you - and you keep on smiling, and saying "thank you!"
Usually, I don't trust people who say they never feel anger.
It's not possible.
There is just repressed, suppressed anger, ready to explode.
I won't forget this young guy that entered one morning to
McDonald's and shot to death 16 people.
They interviewed his mother on television and she cried: "he was such a nice boy always..."
The reporter didn't believe her. I did...
Since he never allowed his anger to be there, he never released it.
His anger just accumulated and created more and more pressure, until the guy 'flipped.'
When your main mode of operation is out of anger, you become
the 'Aggressor' or the 'Intimidator'.
You use your anger to control and manipulate others to behave differently towards you.
Underneath there's a lot of fear and pain of rejection and
loneliness.
I'm sure you can recognize yourself as the 'Pleaser', the
'Nice Guy', the 'Aggressor' or the 'Intimidator'.
Whatever your act is, you must realize that underneath it,
there is unfulfilled hunger for love.
When you become aware of that, you can slowly drop the 'childish' act and respond in a more mature way.
When somebody hurts you, instead of swallowing it, pretending you're 'cool', or hurting the other back, why
don't you try another approach:
-
Take responsibility for what you feel (if it's pain, anger or fear).
-
Look inside and identify why is it that you feel this way, and what are you afraid of.
-
Realize that by honestly communicating it, you can let it go.
-
Get clear about what you want from the other person and from yourself.
- Share your feelings and what you want, whatever the consequences are.
Do that without blaming, whining or threatening.
What you'll create for yourself will be higher self-esteem,
increased self-confidence, better health, and more trust in yourself and in others.
Article by: Nisandeh Neta, founder of
Open Circles, an international center for personal-growth and
leadership.
Visit http://www.opencircles.nl
to learn more about how you can make a difference, through living
your dreams.
