Motivational Article

But here are seven GOOD habits we should all practice to maintain a loving and fulfilling relationship.

HABIT #1 - PROVIDE PLEASURE, NOT PAIN
Your goal in the relationship is to give each other pleasure, not cause pain. Simple, isn't it?

For just one day, monitor your words and actions by consciously asking yourself, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my partner pain or pleasure?"

If you are not sure, each of you should make two lists: one for all the things your partner does that hurt you, and another for all that you'd like your partner to do to give you pleasure.
Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more guessing!

HABIT #2 - CREATE LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP RITUALS
Routine is the main cause of dull relationships. Rituals are not to be confused with routine!

We fall in love through rituals of connection and intimacy such as romantic dinners, long conversations, riding bicycles or going for walks, exchanging gifts, talking every night on the telephone...

At this point in our relationship, it becomes the center of our life, all else becoming secondary. Over time, when the relationship becomes more settled (particularly after we have children), this process reverses. The children, our work, our hobbies, and our friends become our focus and the relationship gets relegated to the background only receiving our attention in times of crisis.

To create a connection ritual, every Friday night take two hours for just the two of you and your relationship. Put a "do not disturb" sign on your busy life.
Ignore phones, doorbells, e-mails, TV, and kids (get a sitter or trade time with friends).
Do whatever you want with the time (talk, play a game, make love, read to each other), but it must be an investment in your relationship.

HABIT #3 - CLEAR A SPACE FOR HONEST SHARING
Create an atmosphere of safety and acceptance that allows each of you to express your feelings, problems, expectations and disappointments openly without fear of judgment, criticism or defensiveness.

One of our connection rituals is a process called "Clearing".
EVERY NIGHT before we go to sleep, we ask each other "What DID NOT work for you today?"
We give each other a chance to share all the things that went "wrong" during the day (whether connected to the relationship or not) and explore mutually agreeable solutions to improve the situation.

When both of us have "cleared", we go a step further and ask, "What DID work for you today?"
This is our opportunity to share all the goodness that we've experienced during the day, as well as acknowledge each other (and others) for the support and love we've received.

HABIT #4 - HOLD CONFLICT-RESOLVING COUNCILS
The problem with the way most couples argue is that they attempt to find solutions before allowing each other the chance to say what they need to say.

The "Council" process ensures that before you try and find solutions, you find out where the problems lie, with each one of you having the chance to be fully heard.

Here's how it works:
One person holds an object in their hand, called the "Talking Piece", which gives him or her the floor. The other person is allowed only to listen without interruption, until the talking piece is passed over.

You should both speak and listen from your heart, expressing your emotions spontaneously (rather than analyzing and rationalizing) and listening with acceptance and compassion.

Once you both feel you have been fully heard, continue the process of problem-solving.

HABIT #5 - TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER, RATHER THAN AWAY
When you pass your lover during the course of a day, do you smile or wink, stop and rub their shoulders, kiss them on the cheek, or whisper something nice in their ear - or do you just walk on by?

Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority as opposed to turning away - giving up an opportunity to be close and show affection.

Make sure to find ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Touch often. Make eye contact. Do things together everyday that you both enjoy, as well as those that you don't. Sharing the drudgery makes the job more fun; joint satisfaction adds to the sense that you are a team.

HABIT #6 - SCHEDULE TIME FOR LOVE
Want to improve your sex life? Here's one of the most profound pieces of advice I can give you: SCHEDULE IT!

Doesn't sound very romantic, I know. But it works.

Waiting for that "magic moment" when you're both "in the mood" may be romantic, but it's not always practical. We all have had times when we were waiting and waiting and...waiting.

In the morning, plan to make love that night. Call or email each other throughout the day with reminders, ideas and seductive suggestions. By the time evening rolls around you'll both feel like you've engaged in foreplay all day long - and you'll be ready for an exciting night!

HABIT #7 - FIND AND FOCUS ON THE MEANING
Think about what you would like to do together as a couple in the next 40 years, besides have fun.

We all need meaning in our lives. The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life and purpose with someone you love.

Couples who choose a common path of personal growth or spirituality enrich their relationship. Remind yourselves of that common path regularly and share meaningful experiences.

When you practice these seven habits intentionally and consistently, you'll re-create everyday a loving, fulfilling and long-lasting relationship.

Make it a habit!