Motivational Article

HABIT #1 - GIVE EACH OTHER PLEASURE
Your goal in the relationship is to give each other pleasure,
not to cause pain. Simple, isn't it?
However... for just a single day, become consciously aware of
everything you do, by asking yourself the question, "Is what
I'm about to do or say going to cause my partner pain or
pleasure?"

To help you, each of you should make two lists: one for all
the things your partner does that hurt you, and another for
all that you'd like your partner to do to give you pleasure.
Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not
to do. No more guessing!


HABIT #2 - CREATE LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP RITUALS
We fall in love through rituals of connection and intimacy
such as romantic dinners, long conversations, riding bicycles
or going for walks, exchanging gifts, talking every night on
the telephone...

When we fall in love our relationship becomes the center
point of our life, with anything else becoming secondary.
Over time, when the relationship becomes more settled
(particularly after we have children), this process reverses.
The children, our work, our hobbies, our friends - take the
center stage and the relationship being relegated to the
background tending only to receive our attention in times
of crisis.

The remedy to routine (the main cause of dull relationships)
is connection and intimacy rituals.

For example, every Saturday evening, as a changeover from
the working week into the weekend, take two hours together
when you put a "do not disturb" sign on your busy life.
No phones, no answered doors, no e-mails, no TV, nothing...
Just the two of you and your relationship.
Do what you will with the time, however it must be an
investment in your relationship.


HABIT #3 - CREATE A SAFE SPACE FOR OPEN AND HONEST SHARING
Create a sense of safety and acceptance that allows each of
you to express your feelings, problems, expectations and
disappointments.

One of our connection rituals is a process called "Clearing"
that creates this atmosphere of safety and acceptance.

EVERY NIGHT before we go to sleep, we ask each other "what
DID NOT work for you today?"
We give each other a chance to share about all the things that
went "wrong" during the day (whether connected to the
relationship or not).
If there are any solutions that we can mutually agree upon to
assist with improvements for the future, we raise the issue.

When both of us are complete, we initiate a second round, in
which we ask each other "what DID work for you today?"
This is our opportunity to share about all the goodness that
we've experienced during the day, as well as acknowledge each
other (and others) for the support and love we've received.


HABIT #4 - WORK TOGETHER TO RESOLVE CONFLICT AND CRISIS
The problem with the way most couples argue is that they
attempt to find solutions before allowing each other the
chance to say what they need to say.

The "Council" process ensures that before you engage in
solution talk, each one of you feels you have been fully
heard.

Here's how it can be made to work in the practice:
One person holds an object in their hand, called the "Talking
Piece", which symbolizes that he or she has the floor.
While one person has the floor, the other person is allowed
only to listen without interruption.

When speaking, you should focus on speaking from your heart
(emotional, spontaneous, instinctive as opposed to mental).

When listening, you are encouraged to listen from your heart
(ie from acceptance and compassion).

Only after each person has been fully "heard," (in case it
is still necessary) continue through to the process of
problem solving.


HABIT #5 - TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER, RATHER THAN AWAY
When you pass your lover during the course of a day, do you
stop and rub their shoulder, give them a kiss on the cheek,
and whisper something nice in their ear - or do you just
walk on by?

This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed to
"turning away."

Turning toward each other means making each other your
number one priority.

Make sure to find ways to be physically and emotionally
close to each other, such as doing things together that you
both enjoy. Take walks together, drink coffee together after
dinner, listen to music together...


HABIT #6 - SCHEDULE TIME FOR LOVE
Want to improve your sex life? Here's one of the most
profound pieces of advice I can give you: SCHEDULE IT!

Doesn't sound very romantic, I know. But it works.

Waiting for that "magic moment" when you're both "in the
mood" may be romantic, but it's not always practical. We all
have had times when we were waiting and waiting and...
waiting.

Plan in the morning to make love that night. Call each other
all day long with reminders, ideas and seductive suggestions.
By the time evening rolls around you'll both feel like you've
engaged in foreplay all day long - and you'll be ready for an
exciting night!


HABIT #7 - CREATE MEANING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Think about it, besides having fun, what else would you like
to do together in the coming 40 years?

We all need meaning in our lives.

You will enrich your relationship by sharing meaningful
experiences with each other. The ultimate in meaning is to
share a common philosophy of life and life purpose.
This is why couples who choose a path of personal-growth or
spirituality together, have great source of meaning in their
lives.


When you practice these seven habits intentionally and
consistently, you'll re-create every day a loving,
fulfilling and long-lasting relationship.

It's easy - give it a try...