Motivational Article

Funny how life is...

You are born with this enormous all-powerful self-esteem.
You experience yourself as the center of the universe.
Hell, you are the universe...

It takes a couple of years, however, until you learn the hard facts of life.
And now you feel small, insignificant, vulnerable and dependent on the 'big people'.

At this early age, you are like a sponge.
Everything that is said to you is absorbed, taken seriously, and subsequently becomes The Truth.
If you break a glass and your mother tells you, "It's bad" - your conclusion is that, you are bad.
At this stage of your life you receive a lot of feedback - a significant portion of it (around 80 percent) being negative in nature.

It is little wonder that you begin to develop negative beliefs about yourself, such as: "I'm stupid", "I'm ugly", "I'm weak", "I'm a failure", "I'll never make it" and my personal favorite, "I'm not good enough..."

When you grow up, confronting these beliefs within is not particularly appealing, but the thought of everyone else knowing about these things is unbearable.
So a lot of your personal energy is invested in keeping them hidden.

When I was a teenager I was afraid that everybody would think that I was stupid. I needed desperately to hide my stupidity. So, I read a lot, accumulating stockpiles of information, and I developed a strong imagination that would help me invent what I didn't know.
And within a couple of years I developed a complete image of: "I know it all".

We all do that. 
Usually around the time of our teenage years, we create an image of ourselves, which is higher (much higher) then who we believe we are and we hold it up in the air like a picture frame, doing our utmost to convince everyone in our immediate surroundings and beyond, to look 'up there' at the displayed image, and not at who we really are.

This frame is our act.

Mine was "I know it all", yours may be "I'm a nice guy" or "I'm dangerous" or "I'm tough" or "I'm special" among many others.
You use your act over and over again, trying hard to believe - "this is who I am".
However, deep inside, you know that at times you are stupid, at times you are weak, and at times you are ordinary... and the fears return.
So you do whatever you can to raise the frame even higher, and to make everyone look up there and only there...

Since my act was "I know it all" I made sure that without bothering to regularly turn up to school, I would still maintain the best grades, so that I could attend the most prestigious university. At any given opportunity I would be involved in any debate possible.

Another act I used in my adolescent years was the "I'm special" routine, which necessitated the crazy clothes, the long earrings, make up - thus providing a whole spectacle for show. All of this, for a young man in a small city, in the macho country I grew up in, certainly made a strong statement...

Maybe it is a good time to pause for a moment and reflect.

What is YOUR ACT?

How do you act it out?

Now let's see what follows...

So you've done all that was necessary to convince everyone that you are up there.
You keep adding to your 'frame' any kind of public recognition and acknowledgements to your act.
It might be your diplomas or your status symbols - any criteria that supports the image you try to convey.

Gradually, the burden of your frame becomes increasingly heavier.

At a certain point, you're not even aware anymore of the reasons behind your act.

It becomes a habit, and your whole self-esteem becomes dependent on people believing that you are 'your frame'.

It is as though you are walking on your toes in order to gain 2-3 more centimeters to your height.

All of which creates, over the years, one absolutely certain result - exhaustion!

Just some of the personal costs for the maintenance of your act will be:

1. a possible burnout and a heavy midlife crisis.

2. closing up and fear of intimacy (if somebody would come close enough he or she might find out the real you...)

3. losing your spontaneity and your ability to enjoy the moment.

4. When someone tells you "I love you", you realize that he or she loves your act and not the real you...

So, what do you do to change this?

Well, there are basically 5 stages:

1. Become aware of your act. Take time to contemplate what is your act, how does it look, when is it stronger etc...
If you cannot find it yourself, or you're not sure, ask your best friends to tell you honestly what do they see as your act.
To help you, here are a few possible acts, see if any of those fits you: Nice Guy, Know it All, Know it Better, Tough Guy, Angry Bitch, Poor Me, Rebel, Misfit, Sickly, Joker/Clown, Martyr, Holy, Mr./Mrs. Busy-Important, Barbie Girl (stupid and sexy), Loner, Listener/Therapist, Preacher...

2. Become aware of the costs in your personal and professional life of holding your frame 'up there'.
See how your relationships are affected when you keep your image up.
Become aware of the limitations your act created.
What is it that you "cannot", "shouldn't" or "wouldn't" do because it's not "appropriate" for you?

3. Realize that your act is not who you are.
Acknowledge the fact that you created your act for your survival and that probably for a while that was valuable.
Realize that your act is not necessary any more.
In most cases, it has completed its task and now it is only a hindrance to your growth and happiness.

4. Be willing to drop your act and commit yourself to do whatever is needed to become authentically you.

5. Do whatever is necessary to become authentically you...
More on that in one of the coming articles...

Take your time when practicing these stages, and if you are really committed to yourself, within a few months you will notice a major boost to the quality of your life.

Enjoy it...