Motivational Article

"Do your homework NOW!"
"But, I don't want to"

"Go to sleep NOW!"
"But I'm not tired."

"You do that NOW!"
"But why?"

"Because we say so..."

Do these exchanges bring back childhood memories?

This was the authoritarian style most of our parents used to exercise control. There was rarely reasoning or explanation, only "Just do it, because I said so..."

Little wonder that most of us learned to automatically react to authority figures in one of two ways for the rest of our lives.

Without reasonable and logical explanations, our natural reactions to orders are:
1. compliance (out of fear of the consequences), or
2. rejection (out of contempt).

The 'Good Boy/Girl' chooses compliance, saying a lot of "YES MOM / YES DAD", while being chewed up by resentment and unexpressed anger.

The 'Rebel' chooses rejection, saying "NO" and "F**K YOU" as a defense mechanism, while feeling lonely, rejected and misunderstood.

My adolescent choice was the latter. I spent very little time inside the classroom, and when I was there, I enjoyed torturing my teachers, who I despised just for being my teachers.

I rebelled against the 'system' joining an extreme social group, painting graffiti of original political poems at night, vandalizing military cars... I was smart enough or lucky enough not to get caught with my anti-authority activities, but I paid the price for my choices.

I haven't completed any formal education in my life, not high school, not university, my MBA or my therapy studies. I always dropped out early, more often than not after a heavy confrontation with my teachers.

Take a moment to evaluate what kind of reaction you chose as a child or a teenager, and look for the same reaction (maybe a bit more subtle, more sophisticated) in your present way of dealing with authority figures - maybe your boss, an instructor, your doctor or a parent...

Do you fall into the same pattern you developed during your childhood and adolescence? If so, you are reacting from the past, choosing to be controlled.

Whether you comply or rebel, you are giving your power away to the authority figure, making him or her more important than who you are in that moment.

What's the alternative?

Question! Ask "Why?" and judge whether the answer fits with your own purpose. Choose a course of action that feels right for you, not that is dictated by someone exercising power or control over you.

In one of my workshops, after a long intense day, I give the participants an arduous homework assignment that takes a few hours to complete.

The next day, I always get the same two reactions. The "good group" has completed the assignment because they were told to or because they were afraid of the potential consequences. But they are resentful about having complied and given up precious leisure time (or sleep) over it.

The "rebel" group hasn't completed the assignment, and they either feel guilty for disobeying the instructor or argumentative and defensive, creating excuses in case of confrontation with 'the teacher'.

Few participants "get" the real value of the assignment. They are so busy reacting to authority, that they miss becoming aware of their reaction pattern! Without giving them the reason for doing it, they fall into their old authority trip, so during the following day's session, I make them aware of the personal costs of being unconsciously reactive.

I could give the assignment differently. I could spend a few minutes explaining them the benefits of completing the assignment. But then there would be no reaction! Each one would consider the benefits of completing the assignment vs. the price of sleeping fewer hours, and make an intelligent, grown-up choice based on their own needs.

Your process of personal-growth and liberation from parental authority begins when you realize that authority is there not to belittle or to humiliate you, but to teach you.

Your parents' and teachers' jobs were to teach you the basic skills of life, in order to help you become an independent person that can survive in this world and reach your fullest potential.

Most of our parents and teachers were insufficiently conscious themselves, and therefore added their own unresolved issues and fears to their 'lessons', in the forms of guilt, shame and blame.

But as a grown-up, you can choose differently. You can choose to learn from the authority figures that you appreciate and respect and that demonstrate and live what you wish to learn.

Take a look at the areas in your life which you feel are incomplete. (Maybe it is in your intimate relationship, your friendships, your work, creativity, or success, or pleasure...)

Then seek out someone that has mastered already this area and who demonstrates openness, honesty, integrity and daring. It may be a friend, relative or colleague. Ask them to teach you what they know. Become their "apprentice".

Then, when they say or do something you don't understand, ask "Why?" A true teacher will never respond to your questioning with "Just because I say so"!

While confronting your authority issues, and learning to respond in the moment instead of reacting from the past, you'll learn to appreciate and make friends with your authority figures. You will share a mutual respect. When that happens, they become your peers and you become your own authority.

The ultimate freedom...