Motivational Article

"Do your homework NOW!"
"But, I don't want to"

"Go to sleep NOW!"
"But..."

"You do that NOW!"
"But why?"

"Because we say so..."

Does this form of communication bring back childhood
memories?
It does for nearly all of us.

This was the style with which our parents demonstrated their
authority.

They used authority as a form of control.
There was rarely reasoning, nor explanation.
"Just do it, because I told you so..."

Little wonder that most of us keep reacting to authority
figures for the rest of our life.

When there was no explanation (that you could understand)
you were forced to choose between compliance with their
demands (either blindly or out of fear of the consequences),
or reject their way out of contempt.

So in your childhood you probably chose one of the two basic
mechanisms, towards authority.

Either you chose to comply, becoming the 'good boy/girl',
saying a lot of "YES MOM / YES DAD", whilst being eaten away
internally by your unexpressed anger.

Or you chose to reject, becoming the 'rebel', using "NO" and
"F**K YOU" as your protection against the world, whilst
feeling lonely, rejected and misunderstood inside.

I chose to be a rebel, which was very exciting as an
adolescent.

I spent very little time inside the classroom, and the time
I was there, I enjoyed torturing my teachers, which I
despised just for being my teachers.

I rebelled against the 'system' joining an extreme social
group, painting original political poems as graffiti at
night, in addition to vandalizing military cars...

I was smart enough or lucky enough not to get caught with my
underground anti-authority activities, but I paid the price
for my choices.

For example, I haven't completed any education in my life -
not high school, nor my BA, my MBA or my therapy studies.
I always dropped out somewhere along the way, more often
than not after a heavy confrontation with my teachers.

Take a moment to evaluate what kind of reaction you chose as
a child or a teenager, and look for the same reaction (maybe
a bit more subtle, more sophisticated) in your present way
of dealing with authority figures - maybe your spouse, boss
or teacher...

It doesn't matter which reaction you use. In either case you
are reacting from the past, using the same pattern you
developed during your childhood and adolescence years.

Either way - on each occasion, you give your power away to
the authority figure, making them more important than who
you are in that moment.

In one of my workshops, after a long intense day, I give the
participants a homework assignment. They have to review
their life and become aware of incidents over the years that
created certain emotions. They need to spend a few hours, to
complete this assignment.

The day after, I always get the same reactions.

A part of the group has completed their assignment
("otherwise I might be punished") - they are resentful,
feeling small (for complying) and feeling that they wasted
precious sleeping time.

The other part didn't complete their assignment, and are
feeling guilty or scared (for the consequences), and are
busily devising their defense strategy in case of
confrontation (from the "teacher").

Few rarely, understand the real value of the assignment.

They nearly all forget the content. They were so busy
reacting, that they missed the chance to become aware of the
clear pattern that emerges from all those past incidents
they were supposed to review.

I could have done it differently.

I could have spent a few minutes explaining them the
benefits of the assignment, and why it is beneficial for
them.

Then there would be no reaction. Each one would consider
the benefits of completing the assignment vs. the price
of sleeping fewer hours, and make an intelligent, grownup
choice.

However, without giving them the reason, they fall into
their old authority trip, so during the following day's
session, I can make them aware of the prices they pay being
unconsciously reactive.

Your process of personal-growth and liberation from parental
authority begins when you realize that authority is there
not to belittle or to humiliate you, but to teach you.

Your parents' job was to teach you the basic skills of life,
in order to assist you in becoming an independent person
that can survive in this world.

Your teachers' job was to instruct you via additional skills
so as to support you further, etc, etc...

It's true, that for most of us, our parents and teachers
were insufficiently conscious themselves, and therefore
added to their 'lessons' their own unresolved issues and
fears, in the forms of guilt, shame and blame.

But as a grown up, you can choose differently.
You can choose to learn from the authority figures that you
appreciate and respect.
You can and should choose teachers that demonstrate and live
what you wish to learn.

Take a look at your life.
In which areas you feel yet incomplete.
Maybe it is in your intimate relationship, maybe it is in
your friendships, maybe concerning work, or creativity, or
success, or pleasure...

Then seek someone that mastered already this area you're
incomplete with.
Ask him or her to teach you, officially or not, what they
know.
Become their apprentice.

This teacher may or may not have what you might describe as
"nice personality", but he or she must demonstrate openness,
honesty, integrity and daring.

And then, while apprentice to them, when you don't
understand ask "why?"
If you get back "Just because I say so", say nicely goodbye,
and look for a real teacher...

While confronting your authority issues, and learning to
respond in the moment instead of reacting from the past,
you'll learn to appreciate and make friends with your
authority figures.

And when you make real friendship with your authority
figures, you become your own authority...

The ultimate freedom...